be like mike
a quick story for all my peoples dying of boredom.

so last night i was in my room smiling from ear to ear because i had found in my house what any true basketball fan would worship: a VHS cassette filled with michael jordan highlights. i couldn't believe my eyes when i realized what i had discovered. michael jordan himself, in all his wondrous glory.

alright i'll stop, before you hecklers start yelling out 'blasphemy' from the nosebleed seats. so i have this tv/vcr thing, which is basically a tv which has a vcr inside it, aka mankind's greatest creation since reversible shorts. i pop the vhs into the vcr, and i watched clip after clip, sometimes multiple times, of michael just owning everybody. double-clutch reverse layups between three people, dunking over four, spin moves that make defenders just look silly, etc etc. if someone was there to tell me i had died and gone to heaven, i woulda believed it.

all of a sudden, disaster struck. the word "eject" exploded onto the screen, and then a loud buzzing sound filled the air. i panicked and thought about praying, but it was too late. the tv shut off by itself.

"what's going on?!?" i thought to myself. "God, i was just kidding about the whole 'worshipping michael jordan' thing."

i dont think i've ever been so scared in my life. i turned on the tv, hoping for a miracle. the buzzing started again, and then it turned off.

GAH!!! i spent the next 30 minutes with my hand stuffed into the vcr slot trying to push some magic button to fix it all, but alas, nothing could be done. so i went to sleep angry.

i forgot about the whole thing until this afternoon, when i came back into the house and saw my dad with his hand jammed into the vcr. i watched in horror as he then took pliers and just started ripping whatever he could get a hold of. he looked like a mad dentist pulling teeth. i figured it was over for the michael jordan tape and decided to give my dad a hand.

so we elected to open up the tv and try to see what the problem was. my dad saw a bit of the black film from inside the cassette and just started pulling. it was a sad sight, but it was necessary. 10 minutes later, we had about 4 miles worth of black film in our kitchen floor, along with bits and pieces of the vhs cassette that we had managed to rip out.

we FINALLY manage to pull out the entire cassette, put the tv back together, turn it on, and..the buzz is still there, and the tv still turned off by itself.

what a letdown. my dad tells me to take the vcr out and just try to salvage the television, so i then take the next 30 minutes opening the idiot box up, unscrewing 3028394 screws, taking the entire vcr out, and putting what's left of the tv back together.

turn it on, and..NO MORE BUZZ!! YES!!! i think at that moment i was joy personified. hallelujah!

5 seconds later, the tv turned off by itself.

...

so after all that hard work, we had to throw the entire thing away anyways, with our only consolation being, "hey, at least we tried."

the moral of this story? don't worship michael jordan..


well, at least not blatantly.