sometimes, it takes a crushing tragedy for reality to slap me hard in the face and bring my up-in-the-clouds, lackadaisical life back down to earth. honestly, i don't know what to say -- how can i? i was given such a clear-cut opportunity to talk to him, and i know it was much more than a crazy coincidence. the door was opened for me, all i had to do was step through it, and i didn't even consider it. i know it's not healthy, but i can't help but to feel somewhat responsible for not doing more. that's just in my nature, i suppose, always wondering what i could have changed or what i should have done better in hope that things wouldn't turn out the way that they did.

that's the thing with me, or all of us, to some extent. i get so caught up in the day-to-day happenings of my own selfish life that i tend to become short-sighted in my view of sharing the one thing that truly matters most to me -- my faith. you know, there's just always something better to do, right? someone else will do the work for now, and i can just pick up the slack when it's most convenient for me. it's somebody else's job for the time being.

i hate myself for it, but hey, i can't hide the truth. life's a funny thing, really. we can laugh and joke all we want about getting older and whatnot, but you just never know what will happen the very next minute. no matter how you choose to look at it, your friend's place in eternity hangs in the balance. does that sound serious enough?

so what am i waiting for? i'm not sure actually. it's not that i'm scared to share, not at all. i trust when the opportunity arises, He will give me the words to say. then why don't i seek out these opportunities? God, i don't know, i really don't. maybe this is the hit to the heart that i needed.

i know it's not my job to change hearts, but it is my job to share what changed mine.

I will never be the same again
I can never return,
I've closed the door.
I will walk the path, I'll run the race
and I will never be the same again

fall like fire,
soak like rain,
flow like mighty waters
again and again:
sweep away the darkness,
burn away the chaff
and let the flame burn
to glorify Your name.

there are higher heights, there are deeper seas
whatever You need to do
Lord do in me
the glory of God fills my life
and I will never be the same again

hillsongs - I will never be the same again

it's my reason for living, i know that. deep deep deep down i know it, and it's past time for me to start acting like it.