the line
at the AACM retreat this past weekend, i found out the truth behind "the question." the question that governs my life -- my thoughts, my decisions, my actions. the question that i answer to Jesus every day of my life.
i had thought the question had a range of answers, a scale, if you may. i had supposed to question would be something like "how much do you love me" or "how much have you served me," to which, of course, i could answer with a simple "this much" or "that much" kind of answer.
but no, the question was so much simpler, but at the same time, it was so much more difficult to answer. i pictured Jesus drawing a line in the ground, and plainly asking, "do you believe?"
it seems so simple, doesn't it? no tricks or sidenotes to the query, only a straightforward yes or no question, requiring a straightforward yes or no answer.
why was it taking so long for me to respond? why was i hesitating? what was wrong? i looked back on my life and realized my incredible lack of faith when it came to my prayer life. i tried to remember each time i nailed Jesus once again to the cross, but there were too many times to count. i reminisced about the ups and downs of my spiritual rollercoaster and could only wonder whether or not my faith was stable enough to withstand the next drop.
i wanted so badly to just shout out a resounding YES and join Jesus on the other side of the line, but i realized that my life had been a constant balancing act on the very line that i was trying to cross. that's when it hit me. there was no "in between" answer for this one. it was all or nothing.
i looked into Jesus's eyes and boldly crossed the treshhold from unbelief to belief, and i promised to never again venture to the other side. there would be times where i might falter, of course, but Jesus, with a loving smile on his face, promised "I will never leave you nor forsake you (Joshua 1:5B)."
I believe, Jesus.
