I am struggling with God. Never before have I been so confused with Him, and this lack of understanding is tearing down the very foundations of my faith. It's as if I have been taught all along the many wonderful descriptions of my perfect God, and only now am I beginning to open my eyes and see that He is not who I dreamed Him up to be.
I've screwed up..countless times. Of course, I long for a magical opportunity to go back in time and change this or that, but I can't. I feel like every single time I look to God for a clear answer, I don't get it. No matter how pure or selfless my motives could have been, I never seem to grasp the direct reply that I am seeking for. This confusion has led to frustration, or maybe vice versa.
I wish I could just enter a soundproof room where I knew only He would hear my cries and just yell and shout to my heart's content or my lungs' capacity. Just vent and rant it all out asking, "God, why?" No, I can't, and I'm definitely not trying to justify my anger, but I just feel let down, kind of even betrayed by the God that I love and trust.
I can't comprehend how a God of love, mercy, and forgiveness can in any way be glorified through people's pain and hardships. If His heart really breaks whenever He sees one of His people hurt, then why doesn't He fix it? I feel like whatever lesson He is trying to teach is still not worth the cost of all the heartaches and brokenness that result.
The story of Job especially bothers me because even after God had allowed Satan to take away everything that Job had, family and possessions, He still never gave him a reason behind it. All God said was something to the extent of, "I created everything. Trust me."
Unfortunately, I can't just "accept" this and move on anymore -- it seems like such a cop-out Christian response, and I feel sick to my stomach knowing that I've used this same logic in an attempt to comfort people I care about. It's like "Hey, I know your son just died in a tragic car accident, but it's okay, it's part of God's plan." Or "I'm sorry your mom just passed away because of cancer, but God is there." At times like that, people need to know the WHY behind the situation.
Maybe my anger is a sign of weakness, of my lack of faith, or of my lack of patience -- probably a bit of all three. But sometimes it just simply isn't fair. I am in no way trying to justify all the mistakes I have made to deserve anything that's happened to me, because I'll be the first to admit that there's some things I've done that I doubt I can ever forgive myself for. Knowing people hurt because of me literally makes my heart ache. It can't be worth it, no matter what.
I'm sick of waiting for God's timing, and even worse, I suck at it. I've trusted in Him for almost all of my decisions, and now it seems like I am reaping the consequences for those choices. Sure, it sounds selfish, but why can't God just step in and help. Not for my sake, but for all the people I've hurt. If nothing else, allow me to be the only recipient of all the pain that I've caused because nobody else deserves suffering for my own actions. I would give up anything to reconcile all my broken relationships, but once again, I am just sitting here "patiently," waiting for His "perfect" timing. Okay, so you tell me that our God is a god of redemption? Fine. Redeem me.
I've screwed up..countless times. Of course, I long for a magical opportunity to go back in time and change this or that, but I can't. I feel like every single time I look to God for a clear answer, I don't get it. No matter how pure or selfless my motives could have been, I never seem to grasp the direct reply that I am seeking for. This confusion has led to frustration, or maybe vice versa.
I wish I could just enter a soundproof room where I knew only He would hear my cries and just yell and shout to my heart's content or my lungs' capacity. Just vent and rant it all out asking, "God, why?" No, I can't, and I'm definitely not trying to justify my anger, but I just feel let down, kind of even betrayed by the God that I love and trust.
I can't comprehend how a God of love, mercy, and forgiveness can in any way be glorified through people's pain and hardships. If His heart really breaks whenever He sees one of His people hurt, then why doesn't He fix it? I feel like whatever lesson He is trying to teach is still not worth the cost of all the heartaches and brokenness that result.
The story of Job especially bothers me because even after God had allowed Satan to take away everything that Job had, family and possessions, He still never gave him a reason behind it. All God said was something to the extent of, "I created everything. Trust me."
Unfortunately, I can't just "accept" this and move on anymore -- it seems like such a cop-out Christian response, and I feel sick to my stomach knowing that I've used this same logic in an attempt to comfort people I care about. It's like "Hey, I know your son just died in a tragic car accident, but it's okay, it's part of God's plan." Or "I'm sorry your mom just passed away because of cancer, but God is there." At times like that, people need to know the WHY behind the situation.
Maybe my anger is a sign of weakness, of my lack of faith, or of my lack of patience -- probably a bit of all three. But sometimes it just simply isn't fair. I am in no way trying to justify all the mistakes I have made to deserve anything that's happened to me, because I'll be the first to admit that there's some things I've done that I doubt I can ever forgive myself for. Knowing people hurt because of me literally makes my heart ache. It can't be worth it, no matter what.
I'm sick of waiting for God's timing, and even worse, I suck at it. I've trusted in Him for almost all of my decisions, and now it seems like I am reaping the consequences for those choices. Sure, it sounds selfish, but why can't God just step in and help. Not for my sake, but for all the people I've hurt. If nothing else, allow me to be the only recipient of all the pain that I've caused because nobody else deserves suffering for my own actions. I would give up anything to reconcile all my broken relationships, but once again, I am just sitting here "patiently," waiting for His "perfect" timing. Okay, so you tell me that our God is a god of redemption? Fine. Redeem me.
